It would seem that I am one of those travellers for whom the railway
bookstall does not cater. Whenever I start on a journey, I find that
my choice lies between well-printed books which I have no wish to
read, and well-written books which I could not read without permanent
injury to my eyesight. The keeper of the bookstall, seeing me gaze
vaguely along his shelves, suggests that I should take `Fen Country
Fanny' or else `The Track of Blood' and have done with it. Not wishing
to hurt his feelings, I refuse these works on the plea that I have
read them. Whereon he, divining despite me that I am a superior
person, says `Here is a nice little handy edition of More's "Utopia"'
or `Carlyle's "French Revolution"' and again I make some excuse. What
pleasure could I get from trying to cope with a masterpiece printed in
diminutive grey-ish type on a semi-transparent little grey-ish page? I
relieve the bookstall of nothing but a newspaper or two.
The other day, however, my eye and fancy were caught by a book
entitled `How Shall I Word It?' and sub-entitled `A Complete Letter
Writer for Men and Women.' I had never read one of these manuals, but
had often heard that there was a great and constant `demand' for them.
So I demanded this one. It is no great fun in itself. The writer is no
fool. He has evidently a natural talent for writing letters. His style
is, for the most part, discreet and easy. If you were a young man
writing `to Father of Girl he wishes to Marry' or `thanking Fiance'e
for Present' or `reproaching Fiance'e for being a Flirt,' or if you
were a mother `asking Governess her Qualifications' or `replying to
Undesirable Invitation for her Child,' or indeed if you were in any
other one of the crises which this book is designed to alleviate, you
might copy out and post the specially-provided letter without making
yourself ridiculous in the eyes of its receiver--unless, of course, he
or she also possessed a copy of the book. But--well, can you conceive
any one copying out and posting one of these letters, or even taking
it as the basis for composition? You cannot. That shows how little you
know of your fellow-creatures. Not you nor I can plumb the abyss at
the bottom of which such humility is possible. Nevertheless, as we
know by that great and constant `demand,' there the abyss is, and
there multitudes are at the bottom of it. Let's peer down... No, all
is darkness. But faintly, if we listen hard, is borne up to us a sound
of the scratching of innumerable pens--pens whose wielders are all
trying, as the author of this handbook urges them, to `be original,
fresh, and interesting' by dint of more or less strict adherence to
sample.
Giddily you draw back from the edge of the abyss. Come!--here is a
thought to steady you. The mysterious great masses of helpless folk
for whom `How Shall I Word It' is written are sound at heart, delicate
in feeling, anxious to please, most loth to wound. For it must be
presumed that the author's style of letter-writing is informed as much
by a desire to give his public what it needs, and will pay for, as by
his own beautiful nature; and in the course of all the letters that he
dictates you will find not one harsh word, not one ignoble thought or
unkind insinuation. In all of them, though so many are for the use of
persons placed in the most trying circumstances, and some of them are
for persons writhing under a sense of intolerable injury, sweetness
and light do ever reign. Even `yours truly, Jacob Langton,' in his
`letter to his Daughter's Mercenary Fiance',' mitigates the sternness
of his tone by the remark that his `task is inexpressibly painful.'
And he, Mr. Langton, is the one writer who lets the post go out on his
wrath. When Horace Masterton, of Thorpe Road, Putney, receives from
Miss Jessica Weir, of Fir Villa, Blackheath, a letter `declaring her
Change of Feelings,' does he upbraid her? No; `it was honest and brave
of you to write to me so straightforwardly and at the back of my mind
I know you have done what is best.... I give you back your freedom
only at your desire. God bless you, dear.' Not less admirable is the
behaviour, in similar case, of Cecil Grant (14, Glover Street,
Streatham). Suddenly, as a bolt from the blue, comes a letter from
Miss Louie Hawke (Elm View, Deerhurst), breaking off her betrothal to
him. Haggard, he sits down to his desk; his pen traverses the
notepaper--calling down curses on Louie and on all her sex? No; `one
cannot say good-bye for ever without deep regret to days that have
been so full of happiness. I must thank you sincerely for all your
great kindness to me.... With every sincere wish for your future
happiness,' he bestows complete freedom on Miss Hawke. And do not
imagine that in the matter of self-control and sympathy, of power to
understand all and pardon all, the men are lagged behind by the women.
Miss Leila Johnson (The Manse, Carlyle) has observed in Leonard Wace
(Dover Street, Saltburn) a certain coldness of demeanour; yet `I do
not blame you; it is probably your nature'; and Leila in her sweet
forbearance is typical of all the other pained women in these pages:
she is but one of a crowd of heroines.
Face to face with all this perfection, the not perfect reader begins
to crave some little outburst of wrath, of hatred or malice, from one
of these imaginary ladies and gentlemen. He longs for--how shall he
word it?--a glimpse of some bad motive, of some little lapse from
dignity. Often, passing by a pillar-box, I have wished I could unlock
it and carry away its contents, to be studied at my leisure. I have
always thought such a haul would abound in things fascinating to a
student of human nature. One night, not long ago, I took a waxen
impression of the lock of the pillar-box nearest to my house, and had
a key made. This implement I have as yet lacked either the courage or
the opportunity to use. And now I think I shall throw it away.... No,
I shan't. I refuse, after all, to draw my inference that the bulk of
the British public writes always in the manner of this handbook. Even
if they all have beautiful natures they must sometimes be sent
slightly astray by inferior impulses, just as are you and I.
And, if err they must, surely it were well they should know how to do
it correctly and forcibly. I suggest to our author that he should
sprinkle his next edition with a few less righteous examples, thereby
both purging his book of its monotony and somewhat justifying its sub-
title. Like most people who are in the habit of writing things to be
printed, I have not the knack of writing really good letters. But let
me crudely indicate the sort of thing that our manual needs....
LETTER FROM POOR MAN TO OBTAIN MONEY FROM RICH ONE.
[The English law is particularly hard on what is called blackmail. It
is therefore essential that the applicant should write nothing that
might afterwards be twisted to incriminate him.--ED.]
DEAR SIR,
To-day, as I was turning out a drawer in my attic, I came across a
letter which by a curious chance fell into my hands some years ago,
and which, in the stress of grave pecuniary embarrassment, had escaped
my memory. It is a letter written by yourself to a lady, and the date
shows it to have been written shortly after your marriage. It is of a
confidential nature, and might, I fear, if it fell into the wrong
hands, be cruelly misconstrued. I would wish you to have the
satisfaction of destroying it in person. At first I thought of sending
it on to you by post. But I know how happy you are in your domestic
life; and probably your wife and you, in your perfect mutual trust,
are in the habit of opening each other's letters. Therefore, to avoid
risk, I would prefer to hand the document to you personally. I will
not ask you to come to my attic, where I could not offer you such
hospitality as is due to a man of your wealth and position. You will
be so good as to meet me at 3.0 A.M. (sharp) to-morrow (Thursday)
beside the tenth lamp-post to the left on the Surrey side of Waterloo
Bridge; at which hour and place we shall not be disturbed.
I am, dear Sir,
Yours respectfully,
JAMES GRIDGE.
LETTER FROM YOUNG MAN REFUSING TO PAY HIS TAILOR'S BILL.
Mr. Eustace Davenant has received the half-servile, half-insolent
screed which Mr. Yardley has addressed to him. Let Mr. Yardley cease
from crawling on his knees and shaking his fist. Neither this posture
nor this gesture can wring one bent farthing from the pockets of Mr.
Davenant, who was a minor at the time when that series of ill-made
suits was supplied to him and will hereafter, as in the past, shout
(without prejudice) from the house-tops that of all the tailors in
London Mr. Yardley is at once the most grasping and the least
competent.
LETTER TO THANK AUTHOR FOR INSCRIBED COPY OF BOOK.
DEAR MR. EMANUEL FLOWER,
It was kind of you to think of sending me a copy of your new book. It
would have been kinder still to think again and abandon that project.
I am a man of gentle instincts, and do not like to tell you that `A
Flight into Arcady' (of which I have skimmed a few pages, thus wasting
two or three minutes of my not altogether worthless time) is trash. On
the other hand, I am determined that you shall not be able to go
around boasting to your friends, if you have any, that this work was
not condemned, derided, and dismissed by your sincere well-wisher,
WREXFORD CRIPPS.
LETTER TO MEMBER OF PARLIAMENT UNSEATED AT GENERAL ELECTION.
DEAR MR. POBSBY-BURFORD,
Though I am myself an ardent Tory, I cannot but rejoice in the
crushing defeat you have just suffered in West Odgetown. There are
moments when political conviction is overborne by personal sentiment;
and this is one of them. Your loss of the seat that you held is the
more striking by reason of the splendid manner in which the northern
and eastern divisions of Odgetown have been wrested from the Liberal
Party. The great bulk of the newspaper-reading public will be puzzled
by your extinction in the midst of our party's triumph. But then, the
great mass of the newspaper-reading public has not met you. I have.
You will probably not remember me. You are the sort of man who would
not remember anybody who might not be of some definite use to him.
Such, at least, was one of the impressions you made on me when I met
you last summer at a dinner given by our friends the Pelhams. Among
the other things in you that struck me were the blatant pomposity of
your manner, your appalling flow of cheap platitudes, and your hoggish
lack of ideas. It is such men as you that lower the tone of public
life. And I am sure that in writing to you thus I am but expressing
what is felt, without distinction of party, by all who sat with you in
the late Parliament.
The one person in whose behalf I regret your withdrawal into private
life is your wife, whom I had the pleasure of taking in to the
aforesaid dinner. It was evident to me that she was a woman whose
spirit was well-nigh broken by her conjunction with you. Such remnants
of cheerfulness as were in her I attributed to the Parliamentary
duties which kept you out of her sight for so very many hours daily. I
do not like to think of the fate to which the free and independent
electors of West Odgetown have just condemned her. Only, remember
this: chattel of yours though she is, and timid and humble, she
despises you in her heart.
I am, dear Mr. Pobsby-Burford,
Yours very truly,
HAROLD THISTLAKE.
LETTER FROM YOUNG LADY IN ANSWER TO INVITATION FROM OLD
SCHOOLMISTRESS.
MY DEAR MISS PRICE,
How awfully sweet of you to ask me to stay with you for a few days but
how can you think I may have forgotten you for of course I think of
you so very often and of the three ears I spent at your school because
it is such a joy not to be there any longer and if one is at all down
it bucks one up derectly to remember that thats all over atanyrate and
that one has enough food to nurrish one and not that awful monottany
of life and not the petty fogging daily tirrany you went in for and I
can imagin no greater thrill and luxury in a way than to come and see
the whole dismal grind still going on but without me being in it but
this would be rather beastly of me wouldnt it so please dear Miss
Price dont expect me and do excuse mistakes of English Composition and
Spelling and etcetra in your affectionate old pupil,
EMILY THRESE LYNN-ROYSTON.
ps, I often rite to people telling them where I was edducated and
highly reckomending you.
LETTER IN ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF WEDDING PRESENT.
DEAR LADY AMBLESHAM,
Who gives quickly, says the old proverb, gives twice. For this reason
I have purposely delayed writing to you, lest I should appear to thank
you more than once for the small, cheap, hideous present you sent me
on the occasion of my recent wedding. Were you a poor woman, that
little bowl of ill-imitated Dresden china would convict you of
tastelessness merely; were you a blind woman, of nothing but an odious
parsimony. As you have normal eyesight and more than normal wealth,
your gift to me proclaims you at once a Philistine and a miser (or
rather did so proclaim you until, less than ten seconds after I had
unpacked it from its wrappings of tissue paper, I took it to the open
window and had the satisfaction of seeing it shattered to atoms on the
pavement). But stay! I perceive a possible flaw in my argument.
Perhaps you were guided in your choice by a definite wish to insult
me. I am sure, on reflection, that this was so. I shall not forget.
Yours, etc.,
CYNTHIA BEAUMARSH.
PS. My husband asks me to tell you to warn Lord Amblesham to keep out
of his way or to assume some disguise so complete that he will not be
recognised by him and horsewhipped.
PPS. I am sending copies of this letter to the principal London and
provincial newspapers.
LETTER FROM...
But enough! I never thought I should be so strong in this line. I had
not foreseen such copiousness and fatal fluency. Never again will I
tap these deep dark reservoirs in a character that had always seemed
to me, on the whole, so amiable.
--------------------------------------------
-THE END-
Max Beerbohm's essay: 'How Shall I Word It?' (1910)
From the collection of Max Beerbohm's essays Even Now
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