Prince Bull
ONCE upon a time, and of course it was in the Golden Age, and I
hope you may know when that was, for I am sure I don't, though I
have tried hard to find out, there lived in a rich and fertile
country, a powerful Prince whose name was BULL. He had gone
through a great deal of fighting, in his time, about all sorts of
things, including nothing; but, had gradually settled down to be a
steady, peaceable, good-natured, corpulent, rather sleepy Prince.
This Puissant Prince was married to a lovely Princess whose name
was Fair Freedom. She had brought him a large fortune, and had
borne him an immense number of children, and had set them to
spinning, and farming, and engineering, and soldiering, and
sailoring, and doctoring, and lawyering, and preaching, and all
kinds of trades. The coffers of Prince Bull were full of treasure,
his cellars were crammed with delicious wines from all parts of the
world, the richest gold and silver plate that ever was seen adorned
his sideboards, his sons were strong, his daughters were handsome,
and in short you might have supposed that if there ever lived upon
earth a fortunate and happy Prince, the name of that Prince, take
him for all in all, was assuredly Prince Bull.
But, appearances, as we all know, are not always to be trusted -
far from it; and if they had led you to this conclusion respecting
Prince Bull, they would have led you wrong as they often have led
me.
For, this good Prince had two sharp thorns in his pillow, two hard
knobs in his crown, two heavy loads on his mind, two unbridled
nightmares in his sleep, two rocks ahead in his course. He could
not by any means get servants to suit him, and he had a tyrannical
old godmother, whose name was Tape.
She was a Fairy, this Tape, and was a bright red all over. She was
disgustingly prim and formal, and could never bend herself a hair's
breadth this way or that way, out of her naturally crooked shape.
But, she was very potent in her wicked art. She could stop the
fastest thing in the world, change the strongest thing into the
weakest, and the most useful into the most useless. To do this she
had only to put her cold hand upon it, and repeat her own name,
Tape. Then it withered away.
At the Court of Prince Bull - at least I don't mean literally at
his court, because he was a very genteel Prince, and readily
yielded to his godmother when she always reserved that for his
hereditary Lords and Ladies - in the dominions of Prince Bull,
among the great mass of the community who were called in the
language of that polite country the Mobs and the Snobs, were a
number of very ingenious men, who were always busy with some
invention or other, for promoting the prosperity of the Prince's
subjects, and augmenting the Prince's power. But, whenever they
submitted their models for the Prince's approval, his godmother
stepped forward, laid her hand upon them, and said 'Tape.' Hence
it came to pass, that when any particularly good discovery was
made, the discoverer usually carried it off to some other Prince,
in foreign parts, who had no old godmother who said Tape. This was
not on the whole an advantageous state of things for Prince Bull,
to the best of my understanding.
The worst of it was, that Prince Bull had in course of years lapsed
into such a state of subjection to this unlucky godmother, that he
never made any serious effort to rid himself of her tyranny. I
have said this was the worst of it, but there I was wrong, because
there is a worse consequence still, behind. The Prince's numerous
family became so downright sick and tired of Tape, that when they
should have helped the Prince out of the difficulties into which
that evil creature led him, they fell into a dangerous habit of
moodily keeping away from him in an impassive and indifferent
manner, as though they had quite forgotten that no harm could
happen to the Prince their father, without its inevitably affecting
themselves.
Such was the aspect of affairs at the court of Prince Bull, when
this great Prince found it necessary to go to war with Prince Bear.
He had been for some time very doubtful of his servants, who,
besides being indolent and addicted to enriching their families at
his expense, domineered over him dreadfully; threatening to
discharge themselves if they were found the least fault with,
pretending that they had done a wonderful amount of work when they
had done nothing, making the most unmeaning speeches that ever were
heard in the Prince's name, and uniformly showing themselves to be
very inefficient indeed. Though, that some of them had excellent
characters from previous situations is not to be denied. Well;
Prince Bull called his servants together, and said to them one and
all, 'Send out my army against Prince Bear. Clothe it, arm it,
feed it, provide it with all necessaries and contingencies, and I
will pay the piper! Do your duty by my brave troops,' said the
Prince, 'and do it well, and I will pour my treasure out like
water, to defray the cost. Who ever heard ME complain of money
well laid out!' Which indeed he had reason for saying, inasmuch as
he was well known to be a truly generous and munificent Prince.
When the servants heard those words, they sent out the army against
Prince Bear, and they set the army tailors to work, and the army
provision merchants, and the makers of guns both great and small,
and the gunpowder makers, and the makers of ball, shell, and shot;
and they bought up all manner of stores and ships, without
troubling their heads about the price, and appeared to be so busy
that the good Prince rubbed his hands, and (using a favourite
expression of his), said, 'It's all right I' But, while they were
thus employed, the Prince's godmother, who was a great favourite
with those servants, looked in upon them continually all day long,
and whenever she popped in her head at the door said, How do you
do, my children? What are you doing here?' 'Official business,
godmother.' 'Oho!' says this wicked Fairy. '- Tape!' And then
the business all went wrong, whatever it was, and the servants'
heads became so addled and muddled that they thought they were
doing wonders.
Now, this was very bad conduct on the part of the vicious old
nuisance, and she ought to have been strangled, even if she had
stopped here; but, she didn't stop here, as you shall learn. For,
a number of the Prince's subjects, being very fond of the Prince's
army who were the bravest of men, assembled together and provided
all manner of eatables and drinkables, and books to read, and
clothes to wear, and tobacco to smoke, and candies to burn, and
nailed them up in great packing-cases, and put them aboard a great
many ships, to be carried out to that brave army in the cold and
inclement country where they were fighting Prince Bear. Then, up
comes this wicked Fairy as the ships were weighing anchor, and
says, 'How do you do, my children? What are you doing here?' - 'We
are going with all these comforts to the army, godmother.' - 'Oho!'
says she. 'A pleasant voyage, my darlings. - Tape!' And from that
time forth, those enchanting ships went sailing, against wind and
tide and rhyme and reason, round and round the world, and whenever
they touched at any port were ordered off immediately, and could
never deliver their cargoes anywhere.
This, again, was very bad conduct on the part of the vicious old
nuisance, and she ought to have been strangled for it if she had
done nothing worse; but, she did something worse still, as you
shall learn. For, she got astride of an official broomstick, and
muttered as a spell these two sentences, 'On Her Majesty's
service,' and 'I have the honour to be, sir, your most obedient
servant,' and presently alighted in the cold and inclement country
where the army of Prince Bull were encamped to fight the army of
Prince Bear. On the sea-shore of that country, she found piled
together, a number of houses for the army to live in, and a
quantity of provisions for the army to live upon, and a quantity of
clothes for the army to wear: while, sitting in the mud gazing at
them, were a group of officers as red to look at as the wicked old
woman herself. So, she said to one of them, 'Who are you, my
darling, and how do you do?' - 'I am the Quartermaster General's
Department, godmother, and I am pretty well.' Then she said to
another, 'Who are YOU, my darling, and how do YOU do?' - 'I am the
Commissariat Department, godmother, and I am pretty well! Then she
said to another, 'Who are YOU, my darling, and how do YOU do?' - 'I
am the Head of the Medical Department, godmother, and I am pretty
well.' Then, she said to some gentlemen scented with lavender, who
kept themselves at a great distance from the rest, 'And who are
YOU, my pretty pets, and how do YOU do?' And they answered, 'We-
aw-are-the-aw-Staff-aw-Department, godmother, and we are very well
indeed.' - 'I am delighted to see you all, my beauties,' says this
wicked old Fairy, ' - Tape!' Upon that, the houses, clothes, and
provisions, all mouldered away; and the soldiers who were sound,
fell sick; and the soldiers who were sick, died miserably: and the
noble army of Prince Bull perished.
When the dismal news of his great loss was carried to the Prince,
he suspected his godmother very much indeed; but, he knew that his
servants must have kept company with the malicious beldame, and
must have given way to her, and therefore he resolved to turn those
servants out of their places. So, he called to him a Roebuck who
had the gift of speech, and he said, 'Good Roebuck, tell them they
must go.' So, the good Roebuck delivered his message, so like a
man that you might have supposed him to be nothing but a man, and
they were turned out - but, not without warning, for that they had
had a long time.
And now comes the most extraordinary part of the history of this
Prince. When he had turned out those servants, of course he wanted
others. What was his astonishment to find that in all his
dominions, which contained no less than twenty-seven millions of
people, there were not above five-and-twenty servants altogether!
They were so lofty about it, too, that instead of discussing
whether they should hire themselves as servants to Prince Bull,
they turned things topsy-turvy, and considered whether as a favour
they should hire Prince Bull to be their master! While they were
arguing this point among themselves quite at their leisure, the
wicked old red Fairy was incessantly going up and down, knocking at
the doors of twelve of the oldest of the five-and-twenty, who were
the oldest inhabitants in all that country, and whose united ages
amounted to one thousand, saying, 'Will YOU hire Prince Bull for
your master? - Will YOU hire Prince Bull for your master?' To
which one answered, 'I will if next door will;' and another, 'I
won't if over the way does;' and another, 'I can't if he, she, or
they, might, could, would, or should.' And all this time Prince
Bull's affairs were going to rack and ruin.
At last, Prince Bull in the height of his perplexity assumed a
thoughtful face, as if he were struck by an entirely new idea. The
wicked old Fairy, seeing this, was at his elbow directly, and said,
'How do you do, my Prince, and what are you thinking of?' - 'I am
thinking, godmother,' says he, 'that among all the seven-and-twenty
millions of my subjects who have never been in service, there are
men of intellect and business who have made me very famous both
among my friends and enemies.' - 'Aye, truly?' says the Fairy. -
'Aye, truly,' says the Prince. - 'And what then?' says the Fairy. -
'Why, then,' says he, 'since the regular old class of servants do
so ill, are so hard to get, and carry it with so high a hand,
perhaps I might try to make good servants of some of these.' The
words had no sooner passed his lips than she returned, chuckling,
'You think so, do you? Indeed, my Prince? - Tape!' Thereupon he
directly forgot what he was thinking of, and cried out lamentably
to the old servants, 'O, do come and hire your poor old master!
Pray do! On any terms!'
And this, for the present, finishes the story of Prince Bull. I
wish I could wind it up by saying that he lived happy ever
afterwards, but I cannot in my conscience do so; for, with Tape at
his elbow, and his estranged children fatally repelled by her from
coming near him, I do not, to tell you the plain truth, believe in
the possibility of such an end to it.
-THE END-
Charles Dickens' short story: Prince Bull (A fairy tale)
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