CHAPTER 37 - A LITTLE COLD WATER

My new life had lasted for more than a week, and I was stronger

than ever in those tremendous practical resolutions that I felt the

crisis required. I continued to walk extremely fast, and to have

a general idea that I was getting on. I made it a rule to take as

much out of myself as I possibly could, in my way of doing

everything to which I applied my energies. I made a perfect victim

of myself. I even entertained some idea of putting myself on a

vegetable diet, vaguely conceiving that, in becoming a

graminivorous animal, I should sacrifice to Dora.

As yet, little Dora was quite unconscious of my desperate firmness,

otherwise than as my letters darkly shadowed it forth. But another

Saturday came, and on that Saturday evening she was to be at Miss

Mills's; and when Mr. Mills had gone to his whist-club (telegraphed

to me in the street, by a bird-cage in the drawing-room middle

window), I was to go there to tea.

By this time, we were quite settled down in Buckingham Street,

where Mr. Dick continued his copying in a state of absolute

felicity. My aunt had obtained a signal victory over Mrs. Crupp,

by paying her off, throwing the first pitcher she planted on the

stairs out of window, and protecting in person, up and down the

staircase, a supernumerary whom she engaged from the outer world.

These vigorous measures struck such terror to the breast of Mrs.

Crupp, that she subsided into her own kitchen, under the impression

that my aunt was mad. My aunt being supremely indifferent to Mrs.

Crupp's opinion and everybody else's, and rather favouring than

discouraging the idea, Mrs. Crupp, of late the bold, became within

a few days so faint-hearted, that rather than encounter my aunt

upon the staircase, she would endeavour to hide her portly form

behind doors - leaving visible, however, a wide margin of flannel

petticoat - or would shrink into dark corners. This gave my aunt

such unspeakable satisfaction, that I believe she took a delight in

prowling up and down, with her bonnet insanely perched on the top

of her head, at times when Mrs. Crupp was likely to be in the way.

My aunt, being uncommonly neat and ingenious, made so many little

improvements in our domestic arrangements, that I seemed to be

richer instead of poorer. Among the rest, she converted the pantry

into a dressing-room for me; and purchased and embellished a

bedstead for my occupation, which looked as like a bookcase in the

daytime as a bedstead could. I was the object of her constant

solicitude; and my poor mother herself could not have loved me

better, or studied more how to make me happy.

Peggotty had considered herself highly privileged in being allowed

to participate in these labours; and, although she still retained

something of her old sentiment of awe in reference to my aunt, had

received so many marks of encouragement and confidence, that they

were the best friends possible. But the time had now come (I am

speaking of the Saturday when I was to take tea at Miss Mills's)

when it was necessary for her to return home, and enter on the

discharge of the duties she had undertaken in behalf of Ham. 'So

good-bye, Barkis,' said my aunt, 'and take care of yourself! I am

sure I never thought I could be sorry to lose you!'

I took Peggotty to the coach office and saw her off. She cried at

parting, and confided her brother to my friendship as Ham had done.

We had heard nothing of him since he went away, that sunny

afternoon.

'And now, my own dear Davy,' said Peggotty, 'if, while you're a

prentice, you should want any money to spend; or if, when you're

out of your time, my dear, you should want any to set you up (and

you must do one or other, or both, my darling); who has such a good

right to ask leave to lend it you, as my sweet girl's own old

stupid me!'

I was not so savagely independent as to say anything in reply, but

that if ever I borrowed money of anyone, I would borrow it of her.

Next to accepting a large sum on the spot, I believe this gave

Peggotty more comfort than anything I could have done.

'And, my dear!' whispered Peggotty, 'tell the pretty little angel

that I should so have liked to see her, only for a minute! And

tell her that before she marries my boy, I'll come and make your

house so beautiful for you, if you'll let me!'

I declared that nobody else should touch it; and this gave Peggotty

such delight that she went away in good spirits.

I fatigued myself as much as I possibly could in the Commons all

day, by a variety of devices, and at the appointed time in the

evening repaired to Mr. Mills's street. Mr. Mills, who was a

terrible fellow to fall asleep after dinner, had not yet gone out,

and there was no bird-cage in the middle window.

He kept me waiting so long, that I fervently hoped the Club would

fine him for being late. At last he came out; and then I saw my

own Dora hang up the bird-cage, and peep into the balcony to look

for me, and run in again when she saw I was there, while Jip

remained behind, to bark injuriously at an immense butcher's dog in

the street, who could have taken him like a pill.

Dora came to the drawing-room door to meet me; and Jip came

scrambling out, tumbling over his own growls, under the impression

that I was a Bandit; and we all three went in, as happy and loving

as could be. I soon carried desolation into the bosom of our joys

- not that I meant to do it, but that I was so full of the subject

- by asking Dora, without the smallest preparation, if she could

love a beggar?

My pretty, little, startled Dora! Her only association with the

word was a yellow face and a nightcap, or a pair of crutches, or a

wooden leg, or a dog with a decanter-stand in his mouth, or

something of that kind; and she stared at me with the most

delightful wonder.

'How can you ask me anything so foolish?' pouted Dora. 'Love a

beggar!'

'Dora, my own dearest!' said I. 'I am a beggar!'

'How can you be such a silly thing,' replied Dora, slapping my

hand, 'as to sit there, telling such stories? I'll make Jip bite

you!'

Her childish way was the most delicious way in the world to me, but

it was necessary to be explicit, and I solemnly repeated:

'Dora, my own life, I am your ruined David!'

'I declare I'll make Jip bite you!' said Dora, shaking her curls,

'if you are so ridiculous.'

But I looked so serious, that Dora left off shaking her curls, and

laid her trembling little hand upon my shoulder, and first looked

scared and anxious, then began to cry. That was dreadful. I fell

upon my knees before the sofa, caressing her, and imploring her not

to rend my heart; but, for some time, poor little Dora did nothing

but exclaim Oh dear! Oh dear! And oh, she was so frightened! And

where was Julia Mills! And oh, take her to Julia Mills, and go

away, please! until I was almost beside myself.

At last, after an agony of supplication and protestation, I got

Dora to look at me, with a horrified expression of face, which I

gradually soothed until it was only loving, and her soft, pretty

cheek was lying against mine. Then I told her, with my arms

clasped round her, how I loved her, so dearly, and so dearly; how

I felt it right to offer to release her from her engagement,

because now I was poor; how I never could bear it, or recover it,

if I lost her; how I had no fears of poverty, if she had none, my

arm being nerved and my heart inspired by her; how I was already

working with a courage such as none but lovers knew; how I had

begun to be practical, and look into the future; how a crust well

earned was sweeter far than a feast inherited; and much more to the

same purpose, which I delivered in a burst of passionate eloquence

quite surprising to myself, though I had been thinking about it,

day and night, ever since my aunt had astonished me.

'Is your heart mine still, dear Dora?' said I, rapturously, for I

knew by her clinging to me that it was.

'Oh, yes!' cried Dora. 'Oh, yes, it's all yours. Oh, don't be

dreadful!'

I dreadful! To Dora!

'Don't talk about being poor, and working hard!' said Dora,

nestling closer to me. 'Oh, don't, don't!'

'My dearest love,' said I, 'the crust well-earned -'

'Oh, yes; but I don't want to hear any more about crusts!' said

Dora. 'And Jip must have a mutton-chop every day at twelve, or

he'll die.'

I was charmed with her childish, winning way. I fondly explained

to Dora that Jip should have his mutton-chop with his accustomed

regularity. I drew a picture of our frugal home, made independent

by my labour - sketching in the little house I had seen at

Highgate, and my aunt in her room upstairs.

'I am not dreadful now, Dora?' said I, tenderly.

'Oh, no, no!' cried Dora. 'But I hope your aunt will keep in her

own room a good deal. And I hope she's not a scolding old thing!'

If it were possible for me to love Dora more than ever, I am sure

I did. But I felt she was a little impracticable. It damped my

new-born ardour, to find that ardour so difficult of communication

to her. I made another trial. When she was quite herself again,

and was curling Jip's ears, as he lay upon her lap, I became grave,

and said:

'My own! May I mention something?'

'Oh, please don't be practical!' said Dora, coaxingly. 'Because it

frightens me so!'

'Sweetheart!' I returned; 'there is nothing to alarm you in all

this. I want you to think of it quite differently. I want to make

it nerve you, and inspire you, Dora!'

'Oh, but that's so shocking!' cried Dora.

'My love, no. Perseverance and strength of character will enable

us to bear much worse things.'

'But I haven't got any strength at all,' said Dora, shaking her

curls. 'Have I, Jip? Oh, do kiss Jip, and be agreeable!'

It was impossible to resist kissing Jip, when she held him up to me

for that purpose, putting her own bright, rosy little mouth into

kissing form, as she directed the operation, which she insisted

should be performed symmetrically, on the centre of his nose. I

did as she bade me - rewarding myself afterwards for my obedience

- and she charmed me out of my graver character for I don't know

how long.

'But, Dora, my beloved!' said I, at last resuming it; 'I was going

to mention something.'

The judge of the Prerogative Court might have fallen in love with

her, to see her fold her little hands and hold them up, begging and

praying me not to be dreadful any more.

'Indeed I am not going to be, my darling!' I assured her. 'But,

Dora, my love, if you will sometimes think, - not despondingly, you

know; far from that! - but if you will sometimes think - just to

encourage yourself - that you are engaged to a poor man -'

'Don't, don't! Pray don't!' cried Dora. 'It's so very dreadful!'

'My soul, not at all!' said I, cheerfully. 'If you will sometimes

think of that, and look about now and then at your papa's

housekeeping, and endeavour to acquire a little habit - of

accounts, for instance -'

Poor little Dora received this suggestion with something that was

half a sob and half a scream.

'- It would be so useful to us afterwards,' I went on. 'And if you

would promise me to read a little - a little Cookery Book that I

would send you, it would be so excellent for both of us. For our

path in life, my Dora,' said I, warming with the subject, 'is stony

and rugged now, and it rests with us to smooth it. We must fight

our way onward. We must be brave. There are obstacles to be met,

and we must meet, and crush them!'

I was going on at a great rate, with a clenched hand, and a most

enthusiastic countenance; but it was quite unnecessary to proceed.

I had said enough. I had done it again. Oh, she was so

frightened! Oh, where was Julia Mills! Oh, take her to Julia

Mills, and go away, please! So that, in short, I was quite

distracted, and raved about the drawing-room.

I thought I had killed her, this time. I sprinkled water on her

face. I went down on my knees. I plucked at my hair. I denounced

myself as a remorseless brute and a ruthless beast. I implored her

forgiveness. I besought her to look up. I ravaged Miss Mills's

work-box for a smelling-bottle, and in my agony of mind applied an

ivory needle-case instead, and dropped all the needles over Dora.

I shook my fists at Jip, who was as frantic as myself. I did every

wild extravagance that could be done, and was a long way beyond the

end of my wits when Miss Mills came into the room.

'Who has done this?' exclaimed Miss Mills, succouring her friend.

I replied, 'I, Miss Mills! I have done it! Behold the destroyer!'

- or words to that effect - and hid my face from the light, in the

sofa cushion.

At first Miss Mills thought it was a quarrel, and that we were

verging on the Desert of Sahara; but she soon found out how matters

stood, for my dear affectionate little Dora, embracing her, began

exclaiming that I was 'a poor labourer'; and then cried for me, and

embraced me, and asked me would I let her give me all her money to

keep, and then fell on Miss Mills's neck, sobbing as if her tender

heart were broken.

Miss Mills must have been born to be a blessing to us. She

ascertained from me in a few words what it was all about, comforted

Dora, and gradually convinced her that I was not a labourer - from

my manner of stating the case I believe Dora concluded that I was

a navigator, and went balancing myself up and down a plank all day

with a wheelbarrow - and so brought us together in peace. When we

were quite composed, and Dora had gone up-stairs to put some

rose-water to her eyes, Miss Mills rang for tea. In the ensuing

interval, I told Miss Mills that she was evermore my friend, and

that my heart must cease to vibrate ere I could forget her

sympathy.

I then expounded to Miss Mills what I had endeavoured, so very

unsuccessfully, to expound to Dora. Miss Mills replied, on general

principles, that the Cottage of content was better than the Palace

of cold splendour, and that where love was, all was.

I said to Miss Mills that this was very true, and who should know

it better than I, who loved Dora with a love that never mortal had

experienced yet? But on Miss Mills observing, with despondency,

that it were well indeed for some hearts if this were so, I

explained that I begged leave to restrict the observation to

mortals of the masculine gender.

I then put it to Miss Mills, to say whether she considered that

there was or was not any practical merit in the suggestion I had

been anxious to make, concerning the accounts, the housekeeping,

and the Cookery Book?

Miss Mills, after some consideration, thus replied:

'Mr. Copperfield, I will be plain with you. Mental suffering and

trial supply, in some natures, the place of years, and I will be as

plain with you as if I were a Lady Abbess. No. The suggestion is

not appropriate to our Dora. Our dearest Dora is a favourite child

of nature. She is a thing of light, and airiness, and joy. I am

free to confess that if it could be done, it might be well, but -'

And Miss Mills shook her head.

I was encouraged by this closing admission on the part of Miss

Mills to ask her, whether, for Dora's sake, if she had any

opportunity of luring her attention to such preparations for an

earnest life, she would avail herself of it? Miss Mills replied in

the affirmative so readily, that I further asked her if she would

take charge of the Cookery Book; and, if she ever could insinuate

it upon Dora's acceptance, without frightening her, undertake to do

me that crowning service. Miss Mills accepted this trust, too; but

was not sanguine.

And Dora returned, looking such a lovely little creature, that I

really doubted whether she ought to be troubled with anything so

ordinary. And she loved me so much, and was so captivating

(particularly when she made Jip stand on his hind legs for toast,

and when she pretended to hold that nose of his against the hot

teapot for punishment because he wouldn't), that I felt like a sort

of Monster who had got into a Fairy's bower, when I thought of

having frightened her, and made her cry.

After tea we had the guitar; and Dora sang those same dear old

French songs about the impossibility of ever on any account leaving

off dancing, La ra la, La ra la, until I felt a much greater

Monster than before.

We had only one check to our pleasure, and that happened a little

while before I took my leave, when, Miss Mills chancing to make

some allusion to tomorrow morning, I unluckily let out that, being

obliged to exert myself now, I got up at five o'clock. Whether

Dora had any idea that I was a Private Watchman, I am unable to

say; but it made a great impression on her, and she neither played

nor sang any more.

It was still on her mind when I bade her adieu; and she said to me,

in her pretty coaxing way - as if I were a doll, I used to think:

'Now don't get up at five o'clock, you naughty boy. It's so

nonsensical!'

'My love,' said I, 'I have work to do.'

'But don't do it!' returned Dora. 'Why should you?'

It was impossible to say to that sweet little surprised face,

otherwise than lightly and playfully, that we must work to live.

'Oh! How ridiculous!' cried Dora.

'How shall we live without, Dora?' said I.

'How? Any how!' said Dora.

She seemed to think she had quite settled the question, and gave me

such a triumphant little kiss, direct from her innocent heart, that

I would hardly have put her out of conceit with her answer, for a

fortune.

Well! I loved her, and I went on loving her, most absorbingly,

entirely, and completely. But going on, too, working pretty hard,

and busily keeping red-hot all the irons I now had in the fire, I

would sit sometimes of a night, opposite my aunt, thinking how I

had frightened Dora that time, and how I could best make my way

with a guitar-case through the forest of difficulty, until I used

to fancy that my head was turning quite grey.

Read next: CHAPTER 38 - A DISSOLUTION OF PARTNERSHIP

Read previous: CHAPTER 36 - ENTHUSIASM

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